Wanna know how to stop fucking up?
But, like, really?
I’m the queen of rock bottoms and fuck ups. Like, I get it.
Multiple arrests, addictions to alcohol and pills, eating disorder for over 10 years, 2 years away from society (either in jail, sentencing alternative program or residential treatment), multiple attempts at getting sober and NOT getting it right...
Like I said, I understand hitting a bottom real quick.
I don’t want you to feel how that feels. You don’t deserve to feel that loneliness or self-hatred.
So here’s the first step:
1) You gotta get jolted.
I don’t mean stick a fork in a light socket lol. I mean, you have to believe people when they see darkness in you. I had family members and friends call me out for negative things I was doing... and I always denied that their perception was reality. When you’re stuck in your unhealthy patterns and feeling numb 24/7 it’s almost as though your brain can’t handle how much pain you truly feel. You’ve been stuck on autopilot in order to survive your trauma for so long that connecting to that pain could feel overwhelming… almost debilitating.
So, the first step is confronting your bullshit. Believe it when others can see pain in you. Open yourself up to finally see and examine WHY people name those things about you, and try to see what truth is there. It’s hard to admit, but it’s harder to stay where you are if you’re stuck in a pit of darkness. You’re as sick as your secrets... and my addictions and eating disorder loveeeeeed to keep secrets.
2) You have to tell someone else what you’re thinking, and if you’re able… how you feel.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned through recovery is that even though it is hard for me to be vulnerable and admit what sour stuff is happening, it is vital to getting better. If you’re alone in the fight, how do you expect to win a war with triggers and temptations swarming at you every moment? Despite what you may think, it is not a weakness to need the help or support of another person. Really, it is a strength and it will help keep you accountable to stop fucking up.
If you’ve opened up to someone already, you can take it a step further by asking them to call you out if they see you engaging in a certain behavior. This level of accountability can help you from doing things that you said you would not do and help to keep you safe (depending on if your behavior is destructive in any way). Of course, it’s easier to try and do it on your own because if no-body else knows, and you make a mistake, you don’t feel like as much of a failure. But I promise you, it’s easier to kick yourself in the ass for having a lapse and someone knowing about it than it is trying to pull yourself out of a dark well on your own.
3) Find community.
One of the reasons that 12-step programs have (some) success is because of the relationships formed while you’re in the trenches of recovery. If you have never tried a support group for a specific mental disorder that you have, or a 12-step group for a brewing addiction, etc… maybe it is time to get curious about why that is? Are you afraid of showing up and having to name what you’re going through to others? Do you feel ashamed? Do you feel as though no-one will truly understand, or that you’re alone in this? As a clinician, I have heard all of those justifications. As a recovering addict, I have personally said all of those justifications. LOL.
The fact is: as humans it is one of our core needs to be in connection to others. Open up any psychology textbook and you’ll come across Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which specifically states that belonging is an ESSENTIAL need for humans. That being said, we don’t just kinda want it sometimes… we NEED it to survive.
There is literally a support group or 12-step program for any type of healing you need in your life.
There’s Recovery Dharma, if you think that NA or AA is too religious (I hear that as an excuse to not go all of the time).
Al-Anon is great for folks who struggle with codependency, and there’s also “closed” meetings for folks who are adult children of alcoholics, or have a friend or partner that are addicts.
Cocaine Anonymous, Clutterers Anonymous, Co-DA (Codependents Anonymous), Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), Gamblers Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous… the list goes on and on.
Not to mention all the above are FREE. If funds are an issue, these groups are available at NO COST.
There are so many more things that can be done, but with these steps taken you will build a foundation that could lead to lasting recovery. It can also help you to stop fucking up, stop engaging in self-destructive patterns and build a support system to help you from falling back down into that dark place. You deserve to feel better.