Why Creativity is the Opposite of Trauma

I felt a visceral reaction to those words the first time I read them.

Truly, creativity has been the backbone of my healing. 

I finally began to feel “myself” after I began to introduce creative hobbies and art into my life after years of struggling to see any color other than black.

The devastating thing about addiction or certain mental health issues is that it robs you of the quirks and traits that are innately you. I’ve eaten food out of a trash can because I didn’t have food in my fridge to binge and purge during the peak of my eating disorder. I’ve stolen pills and money from people to satisfy the urges constantly screaming at me in my head. I’ve been drunk and rolled a car three times without a seatbelt on to try and take my pain away. During these tragic moments, I lost every part of me that I used to love. 

Shame, guilt and urges to self-sabotage suck the life out from beneath you, but there is hope. 

When I began my healing journey, it took me a while to finally see and believe that I had things to like about myself. I cried, tried to journal and draw… and to be quite honest, the only art that I was able to muster up was dark and scary. Beautiful, but terrifying. 

Looking back, I am so thankful that those paintings, drawings and journal entries exist. When I am able to see them, thumb through them and admire their stunning expression of pain… it fills me with gratitude to see how far I have come. 

The more I was able to work with my hands, complete art therapy in treatment and re-entertain the thought of making jewelry after years of hiatus, the more I realized this was the key to my survival. 

Working with your hands to create something does more than just add another art piece to your home. Expressing yourself through different mediums builds confidence, reduces anxiety and helps you to better connect with your body and imagination simultaneously. 

To be traumatized is to be so far removed from yourself, your sensations and your emotions that creativity has no room to live in your body. Working to build imagination and creative expression back in is one of the greatest ways to feel in control and empowered in your recovery.

Take it from me, I’ve been sober almost 7 years… I NEVER would have seen that coming back then! Utilizing creativity in conjunction with treatment has been my life saver. Maybe if you’re at the end of your rope, it could be yours, too?

Tired of Pretending You’re Okay When You’re Not? Try This.

What masks are you wearing?

Naaaaah, not the N95 mask for Covid lol. I’m talking about: what masks are you wearing that help you to deny or avoid your negative life experiences?⠀

• Do you pretend that everything is perfect in your life, to try and keep up with social media bullshit standards?

• Do you wear a smile and laugh, when really there’s grief and pain in every breath you take?

• When someone asks how you’re doing... Do you respond with “fine,” or “good” because you fear telling the truth will make the other person uncomfortable or reject you?

• Is it hard for you to name what’s really happening in your life because you think you won’t fit in if you do?

• Or most commonly for me… do you pretend that you are doing better than you actually are, because you don’t want to admit that you failed at something?

The truth is: we all wear masks, sometimes. I want to normalize that it’s OKAY if you see yourself doing that. AND, I know that letting people in on your darkness can result in you swerving past some extreeeeemely fucked up emotional consequences.

Wearing a mask, pretending you’re okay when you’re not and not letting people see what’s really happening in your life can lead to depressive symptoms, intense loneliness and post-traumatic stress if you are avoiding negative emotions. 

All of the masks that I wore growing up felt so natural to me… I did not know where to start when I finally realized that I could NOT live another day alone in my pain. I cared so much about what people thought about me, that I would rather have a suicide attempt than admit that I was ruthlessly struggling.

Growing up as a dancer, then dancing competitively and professionally made wearing a mask every day easy. I was so used to being performative, that NOT performing was a lot more challenging. How does one… unlearn… performance? 

I am thankful that I was finally able to let my mask down, eventually. It took a lot of hard work, time and patience… but it was not impossible. I am alive today because of it.⠀

Here are the three steps I took in order to drop my mask and live more authentically:

• Prepare yourself. You have to WANT this.

I finally got to a point where I physically could not move forward in my life if I didn’t let someone else know how far down I had fallen. It took a lot of time and preparation, but I gathered that admitting my failures, pain and struggles would be better than the deafening loneliness I felt on a daily basis. I wanted to change. I gave myself pep-talks before I bunkered down and opened up. It took a lot of energy and caused major anxiety… but I did it. 

• Be patient with yourself, and have a support person. It’s hard to keep your mask up if you are accountable to someone who reminds you to take it down.

I know when I finally opened up to one person, they were able to keep me accountable in removing my mask. If I had a conversation with a friend one day and let them know how awful I felt inside… then the next day I told the same friend I was doing perfectly, that wouldn’t fly. A trusted support person can warmly remind you that you are safe to express yourself. You don’t need a mask. This gentle accountability can keep you on the right track and keep you moving forward if your natural instinct is to wear a mask with others. 

• Step into it! It’s scary, so take little steps at a time.

Maybe acknowledge when someone has crossed a boundary with you. Call a trusted person and let them know when you're struggling. Tell someone when you like their outfit. Be as honest as you can (without being rude lol). It gets easier as you practice, you just have to start.

You don’t have to live this way anymore, even if this has been a survival tool you have used throughout your life course to keep you safe. I promise you, the more you open up and let others see you with your mask off, the more you will feel connected, nurtured and less alone. How can someone love you in a way you need if they have no idea what’s going on?

Sick of Negative Self-Talk When You Look in the Mirror? Try These 3 Things.

It’s inevitable that when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we do not like some things that are reflected back. 

The thoughts that we ruminate on, though, can dig us into a deep ditch of negative self-talk. Sometimes our critical voice is so loud that we aren’t able to let positive affirmations in whatsoever. It’s a hard cycle to break, but it isn’t impossible. 

I battled with body dysmorphia and shame about my body since adolescence. It took me YEARS of therapy… but I finally enjoy parts of myself that I used to hate.

The first step in overcoming body dysmorphia and negative self-talk for me was this:

1) I started with one thing. 

Just one thing I liked about myself. Sometimes, it can be HARD AS FUCK to even name one thing. But I tried my best. For me, it was my eyes.

2) If I had a hard time naming something positive, I asked for help.

If I needed a little help with naming one thing I liked about myself, I asked someone I trusted to tell me something they liked about me. I had an ingrained belief that asking for reassurance wasn’t okay… it would make me “needy” or a “burden.” In reality, It’s okay to ask for reassurance sometimes. Especially in the beginning of a self-love journey… it’s imperative to have supportive friends around to help with affirmations. As humans we are wired for connection, and if that looks like believing someone else until we can believe ourselves, that’s perfectly okay. I hung on to what affirmations my friends told me. I wrote them on a post-it and stuck it to my mirror.

3) I practiced naming something I liked about myself every time I looked in a mirror.

Every time I looked in the mirror, I naturally started naming things I hated. I tried my best to eventually combat that by naming the ONE THING I liked. I would say, “but hey, my eyeballs are pretty as fuck.” By balancing the negative thoughts with at least one positive affirmation, I was able to take small steps forward in my self-love journey.

I said it over and over again. Every time I passed a mirror. “Damn, your eyes are hella pretty, girl.”

It finally stuck. I believed it after a while. Then I started adding more to my list of positive affirmations.

Positive affirmations don’t come naturally sometimes, and that’s okay. It’s a muscle that can be strengthened with practice. After time, and after repeated affirmations, they will eventually stick.

You deserve to hear nice things, especially from yourself.

3 Things You Can Do Now To Stop Fucking Up Your Life

Wanna know how to stop fucking up?

But, like, really?

I’m the queen of rock bottoms and fuck ups. Like, I get it.

Multiple arrests, addictions to alcohol and pills, eating disorder for over 10 years, 2 years away from society (either in jail, sentencing alternative program or residential treatment), multiple attempts at getting sober and NOT getting it right...

Like I said, I understand hitting a bottom real quick.

I don’t want you to feel how that feels. You don’t deserve to feel that loneliness or self-hatred.

So here’s the first step:

1) You gotta get jolted.

I don’t mean stick a fork in a light socket lol. I mean, you have to believe people when they see darkness in you. I had family members and friends call me out for negative things I was doing... and I always denied that their perception was reality. When you’re stuck in your unhealthy patterns and feeling numb 24/7 it’s almost as though your brain can’t handle how much pain you truly feel. You’ve been stuck on autopilot in order to survive your trauma for so long that connecting to that pain could feel overwhelming… almost debilitating. 

So, the first step is confronting your bullshit. Believe it when others can see pain in you. Open yourself up to finally see and examine WHY people name those things about you, and try to see what truth is there. It’s hard to admit, but it’s harder to stay where you are if you’re stuck in a pit of darkness. You’re as sick as your secrets... and my addictions and eating disorder loveeeeeed to keep secrets.

2) You have to tell someone else what you’re thinking, and if you’re able… how you feel.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned through recovery is that even though it is hard for me to be vulnerable and admit what sour stuff is happening, it is vital to getting better. If you’re alone in the fight, how do you expect to win a war with triggers and temptations swarming at you every moment? Despite what you may think, it is not a weakness to need the help or support of another person. Really, it is a strength and it will help keep you accountable to stop fucking up. 

If you’ve opened up to someone already, you can take it a step further by asking them to call you out if they see you engaging in a certain behavior. This level of accountability can help you from doing things that you said you would not do and help to keep you safe (depending on if your behavior is destructive in any way). Of course, it’s easier to try and do it on your own because if no-body else knows, and you make a mistake, you don’t feel like as much of a failure. But I promise you, it’s easier to kick yourself in the ass for having a lapse and someone knowing about it than it is trying to pull yourself out of a dark well on your own.

3) Find community.

One of the reasons that 12-step programs have (some) success is because of the relationships formed while you’re in the trenches of recovery. If you have never tried a support group for a specific mental disorder that you have, or a 12-step group for a brewing addiction, etc… maybe it is time to get curious about why that is? Are you afraid of showing up and having to name what you’re going through to others? Do you feel ashamed? Do you feel as though no-one will truly understand, or that you’re alone in this? As a clinician, I have heard all of those justifications. As a recovering addict, I have personally said all of those justifications. LOL. 

The fact is: as humans it is one of our core needs to be in connection to others. Open up any psychology textbook and you’ll come across Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which specifically states that belonging is an ESSENTIAL need for humans. That being said, we don’t just kinda want it sometimes… we NEED it to survive. 

There is literally a support group or 12-step program for any type of healing you need in your life. 

There’s Recovery Dharma, if you think that NA or AA is too religious (I hear that as an excuse to not go all of the time).

Al-Anon is great for folks who struggle with codependency, and there’s also “closed” meetings for folks who are adult children of alcoholics, or have a friend or partner that are addicts. 

Cocaine Anonymous, Clutterers Anonymous, Co-DA (Codependents Anonymous), Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), Gamblers Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous… the list goes on and on.

Not to mention all the above are FREE. If funds are an issue, these groups are available at NO COST. 

There are so many more things that can be done, but with these steps taken you will build a foundation that could lead to lasting recovery. It can also help you to stop fucking up, stop engaging in self-destructive patterns and build a support system to help you from falling back down into that dark place. You deserve to feel better.

The 3 Keys to Finding a Healthy Relationship After Trauma

1. Understand what a healthy relationship is

WOOOOOW, if I would have known that a lot of my relationships were unhealthy from the jump… I would have been less likely to engage in them. Healthy relationships were not modeled for me growing up, quite frankly I was taught the opposite. 

Whenever I was gaslit, demoralized, humiliated, over-questioned, cheated on… I was told, “at least (that person) didn’t hit you. That’s just what adult relationships are like, Janesse.” 

SKKKKRRRRRTTT. I’ll take “that is awful advice for 500, Alex!” 

Healthy relationships are bound in trust, and find safety with boundaries and truth telling. Healthy relationships don’t seek to control the other person, or make them seem inferior. Healthy relationships aren’t truly healthy until both parties recognize that they both have an obligation to find wholeness in themselves first, before they can truly love on another.

2. Understand what a healthy relationship IS NOT

Do any of these questions from The National Domestic Violence Hotline ring true for you? Does your partner ever:

• Control what you do, who you talk to or where you go?

• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

• Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?

• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

• Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

• Make all of the decisions without your input or consideration of your needs?

• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?

• Prevent you from working or attending school?

• Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?

• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

• Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?

• Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

• Control what you wear?

• Make you feel like you’re crazy for thinking, asking or speaking something?

If you answered “YES” to any of the above questions, darling, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. I always assumed that if a person didn’t lay hands on me, that I wasn’t in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. That couldn’t be the furthest from the truth.

I once had a partner tell me that I couldn’t leave my room until I had changed what I wore because it made me look, “stupid.” I went along with it then, but I had no idea the power or control this took over me because I was scared to express my individuality from that point on. You shouldn’t have to experience this, and if you have… I am so sorry, and you did NOTHING to deserve this. 

3. Make a list

One of the most powerful things that I did before entering a relationship once I got in recovery was to list out SPECIFICALLY what I wanted in a partner. Some examples of my list include:

• The person needs to make me feel safe to express hard emotions

• They need to gas me up when I am feeling insecure

• They need to be honest with me, no matter how hard the subject matter is

• They need to be able to laugh with me, I need laughter in my life daily

• They need to have their own style

• They need to have their own friends, and be happy that I have mine

What are your values, and how important is it that your partner has the same ones? What type of relationship do they have with their family? Is that important to you? Are they in therapy? Are they ready to settle down, or are you both more interested in taking it slow and having fun? Get so specific, and do not allow anyone into your life that does not check ALL of your boxes. You deserve to get what you want out of a relationship. You deserve to feel heard, loved and nurtured.

Allow me to Re-Introduce Myself:

  Allow me to RE-introduce myself:

⠀

(If you didn’t read that in Jay-Z’s voice I don’t know what to say to you... 😂).

This post isn’t to introduce myself cuz I have a gagillion new followers LOL, it’s to give my friends and fam new insight to the work I plan on creating and releasing from now on.⠀

For those of you who I’ve known my whole life, you might see my name change from Janesse Henke to Janesse Russel and be like ??? I made the switch of last names to best honor my late brother, Thomas William Russel Tirey, who we all affectionately called Russel. Russ died tragically in 2015, and I want to ensure that I commemorate him every single day. He pushed me to achieve my goals, and by honoring him in this way I feel as though I am keeping his spark alive.

My motivation derives from Russel’s presence, so every step forward I take from now on I want to begin and end with him centered.

I am also moving forward with another business venture- one that I feel like I have been preparing for my entire life. Every fall down, every mistake and everything I had to recover from has brought me to a place of specific expertise.⠀

I have found that by healing myself first, finding my creativity again and learning all that I could about treating folks who are walking the path I did... I could be that resource that I needed in my past. With all the trauma circulating in the world right now, I was tempted to hold back and wait- but I think what my community needs is another resource and pathway for healing.

So starting July 1, my services and business will start to transform into something I am really proud of. I am moving my identity from a student and survivor... to a healer and coach to those struggling with their mental health.

I want to blend my creativity and handmade art knowledge with my study focus: which is empowering others to heal from trauma, addiction and eating disorders.

I am still working out how all of this will work and how to best serve folks, but I am excited for all the opportunities I will have to lend a hand to those who feel like I once did.

To all my fellow broke entrepreneurs with busted laptops:

To all my fellow broke entrepreneurs with broken laptops:

⠀

I see you.

⠀

It’s not easy to try and start building something when you don’t have the same resources as the person next to you... but that doesn’t mean that your ideas aren’t as powerful or as meaningful. My laptop had been broken the ENTIRE time I was in grad school... I’m talkin’ I had to copy and paste every C I wrote and mute my mic during Zoom calls because the C decided to go haywire and make hella clinking noises. 😂

But let me tell you, the research that I did and the articles that I wrote... they were just as good, IF NOT BETTER, than those written from fancy two screen Mac desktops propped up in a vacation house on the Hampton’s shore.

What I realize is: my lack of financial resources has been made up for in GRIT. The same goes for all the people trying to make something happen for themselves that’s seemingly impossible. We have something that others don’t. We have fire within us, fighting to make a change for ourselves and for our families.⠀

I’m here with you.

I am you.

We can do this.

People who start at the bottom and work their way up have the best personalities and are more interesting, anyway. Let’s show them how bright we are from the fire that burns within us. 👊🏼🔥

Covid and Covert Grief: Graduating During Quarantine

For me, grief has always been capitalized with a laaaarge resounding “G.” I know what grief feels like, I have felt it almost every day of my life. With witnessing murder, the tragic death of my brother and losing family members to their substance use disorders… I felt like a grief veteran. 

That is why on May 20, 2020, I had such a confusing and devastating internal reaction. On this day, I was supposed to graduate with my Master’s Degree from a World-Renowned Ivy League Institution. I believed that I had already radically accepted what was going on. I live across the country from my family so I wouldn’t have a large group while I walked across the stage, anyway. I thought it would be fine. I was proud of all that I had accomplished during my time in school.

That morning, though, I felt the furthest from fine. My partner was at work because she works hard as an essential worker in New York City. Instead of waking up next to family, flowers and cutesy cupcakes with grad caps on them… I was alone. I sat on the couch and stared at the turned-off TV for about an hour. I couldn’t really pinpoint what was happening inside. But I knew it hurt.

After allowing myself to feel, and letting myself really go there (which sucks to do, most of the time), I realized that I did not feel seen. I was grieving what this day was supposed to look like for me. Of course, I was still proud of making it to where I am today. From homelessness, addiction, eating disorders… you name it, I have made it to the other side. I am extremely proud of that. Still, I grieved the gladness I was supposed to feel walking across the Columbia University stage.

I wanted to feel seen. 

I wanted to feel like someone other than myself was proud.

I wanted to show how hard I had worked to be here.

I wanted to feel like it was all worth it.

Instead, I watched my commencement on a laptop with some of my closest friends. Sadly, my school did not call my name out during the ceremony... and that was a shot to the heart. I grieved that, also.

What I learned from this, though, is that not all grief is capital “G” grief. Some grief is sneaky, covert and hides inward until you’re ready to finally name it for what it is. It can be confusing, especially when trauma has taught you that only high intensity emotions are real. It is hard to pinpoint when trauma made you think that numbness is more comfortable than feelings. 

Am I still grieving? I believe I will always be grieving something. But I am proud that I can pinpoint this experience as a lowercase “g” grief, acknowledge it and move forward.