1. Understand what a healthy relationship is

WOOOOOW, if I would have known that a lot of my relationships were unhealthy from the jump… I would have been less likely to engage in them. Healthy relationships were not modeled for me growing up, quite frankly I was taught the opposite. 

Whenever I was gaslit, demoralized, humiliated, over-questioned, cheated on… I was told, “at least (that person) didn’t hit you. That’s just what adult relationships are like, Janesse.” 

SKKKKRRRRRTTT. I’ll take “that is awful advice for 500, Alex!” 

Healthy relationships are bound in trust, and find safety with boundaries and truth telling. Healthy relationships don’t seek to control the other person, or make them seem inferior. Healthy relationships aren’t truly healthy until both parties recognize that they both have an obligation to find wholeness in themselves first, before they can truly love on another.

2. Understand what a healthy relationship IS NOT

Do any of these questions from The National Domestic Violence Hotline ring true for you? Does your partner ever:

• Control what you do, who you talk to or where you go?

• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

• Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?

• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

• Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

• Make all of the decisions without your input or consideration of your needs?

• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?

• Prevent you from working or attending school?

• Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?

• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

• Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?

• Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

• Control what you wear?

• Make you feel like you’re crazy for thinking, asking or speaking something?

If you answered “YES” to any of the above questions, darling, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. I always assumed that if a person didn’t lay hands on me, that I wasn’t in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. That couldn’t be the furthest from the truth.

I once had a partner tell me that I couldn’t leave my room until I had changed what I wore because it made me look, “stupid.” I went along with it then, but I had no idea the power or control this took over me because I was scared to express my individuality from that point on. You shouldn’t have to experience this, and if you have… I am so sorry, and you did NOTHING to deserve this. 

3. Make a list

One of the most powerful things that I did before entering a relationship once I got in recovery was to list out SPECIFICALLY what I wanted in a partner. Some examples of my list include:

• The person needs to make me feel safe to express hard emotions

• They need to gas me up when I am feeling insecure

• They need to be honest with me, no matter how hard the subject matter is

• They need to be able to laugh with me, I need laughter in my life daily

• They need to have their own style

• They need to have their own friends, and be happy that I have mine

What are your values, and how important is it that your partner has the same ones? What type of relationship do they have with their family? Is that important to you? Are they in therapy? Are they ready to settle down, or are you both more interested in taking it slow and having fun? Get so specific, and do not allow anyone into your life that does not check ALL of your boxes. You deserve to get what you want out of a relationship. You deserve to feel heard, loved and nurtured.