What masks are you wearing?

Naaaaah, not the N95 mask for Covid lol. I’m talking about: what masks are you wearing that help you to deny or avoid your negative life experiences?⠀

• Do you pretend that everything is perfect in your life, to try and keep up with social media bullshit standards?

• Do you wear a smile and laugh, when really there’s grief and pain in every breath you take?

• When someone asks how you’re doing... Do you respond with “fine,” or “good” because you fear telling the truth will make the other person uncomfortable or reject you?

• Is it hard for you to name what’s really happening in your life because you think you won’t fit in if you do?

• Or most commonly for me… do you pretend that you are doing better than you actually are, because you don’t want to admit that you failed at something?

The truth is: we all wear masks, sometimes. I want to normalize that it’s OKAY if you see yourself doing that. AND, I know that letting people in on your darkness can result in you swerving past some extreeeeemely fucked up emotional consequences.

Wearing a mask, pretending you’re okay when you’re not and not letting people see what’s really happening in your life can lead to depressive symptoms, intense loneliness and post-traumatic stress if you are avoiding negative emotions. 

All of the masks that I wore growing up felt so natural to me… I did not know where to start when I finally realized that I could NOT live another day alone in my pain. I cared so much about what people thought about me, that I would rather have a suicide attempt than admit that I was ruthlessly struggling.

Growing up as a dancer, then dancing competitively and professionally made wearing a mask every day easy. I was so used to being performative, that NOT performing was a lot more challenging. How does one… unlearn… performance? 

I am thankful that I was finally able to let my mask down, eventually. It took a lot of hard work, time and patience… but it was not impossible. I am alive today because of it.⠀

Here are the three steps I took in order to drop my mask and live more authentically:

• Prepare yourself. You have to WANT this.

I finally got to a point where I physically could not move forward in my life if I didn’t let someone else know how far down I had fallen. It took a lot of time and preparation, but I gathered that admitting my failures, pain and struggles would be better than the deafening loneliness I felt on a daily basis. I wanted to change. I gave myself pep-talks before I bunkered down and opened up. It took a lot of energy and caused major anxiety… but I did it. 

• Be patient with yourself, and have a support person. It’s hard to keep your mask up if you are accountable to someone who reminds you to take it down.

I know when I finally opened up to one person, they were able to keep me accountable in removing my mask. If I had a conversation with a friend one day and let them know how awful I felt inside… then the next day I told the same friend I was doing perfectly, that wouldn’t fly. A trusted support person can warmly remind you that you are safe to express yourself. You don’t need a mask. This gentle accountability can keep you on the right track and keep you moving forward if your natural instinct is to wear a mask with others. 

• Step into it! It’s scary, so take little steps at a time.

Maybe acknowledge when someone has crossed a boundary with you. Call a trusted person and let them know when you're struggling. Tell someone when you like their outfit. Be as honest as you can (without being rude lol). It gets easier as you practice, you just have to start.

You don’t have to live this way anymore, even if this has been a survival tool you have used throughout your life course to keep you safe. I promise you, the more you open up and let others see you with your mask off, the more you will feel connected, nurtured and less alone. How can someone love you in a way you need if they have no idea what’s going on?